My Twilight Rant

Well, hello again blog-fans! Welcome to my angry-white-man-dance on the head (and grave) of TWILIGHT!

Little backstory: My now-ex-girlfriend was absolutely RABID about this series... Not that it makes a difference (she's the EX, remember?) but now that I don't have to 'spare her feelings' or any of that other touchy-feely PC horsepucky, I can FINALLY let out my feelings about 'the saga that is Twilight'.

I'm gonna start with the wonderfully wretched marketing. Mmkay. Like most other pop-fiction movies, these horrendous excuses for Hollywood mistakes started off as books. Well, bound toilet-paper anyway. I've never had the (mis)fortune to read this tripe, despite the urgings of my 'ever-enamoured girlfriend'. I DID, unfortunately, have to go SEE the first movie, and PAY for the shit! (Wherefore art thou uTorrent?) GAG! Back on topic, the marketing for this waste of film is atrocious. This garbage is neither 'saga' nor 'epic'. Lord of the Rings was an EPIC SAGA, at least in print. Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, likewise. This CRAP? Not hardly. The fact that these milk-sloppings, these Down-Syndrome drool-stains of novels, got ANY media coverage AT ALL makes me lose a little more faith in Humanity, and the American populace. This HAD to be an Oprah-Book-Club pick, because it fits in with all her other 'top picks for worst book ever'. I'll admit, I'm not a fan of 'popular books'. I won't read something SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE it's on some 'best-seller' list. Never read Hairy Pothead, Twifags, or any of the others in the endless stream of trash-novels. I read things because they interest me, and maybe provide some deep socio-emotional insight into my life, or the world in general, NOT because some air-headed, ego-inflated, twit TOLD me to do so.

Next, let's talk a little bit about this 'author'. This woman is the Sarah Palin of ficton. What a twiddle-twat. Overweight, under-exercised, liberal-arts graduate of one of the most-maligned 'universities' in America. Not to mention, MORMON!?! Seriously folks, this woman has NO business writing paranormal romance novels. This utter ineptitude and lack of touch with reality, is clearly seen in the utterly absurd plot devices in her books. 'Good girls' have no business in the shadows, the deep, dark, scary underworld that is paranomal fiction. Not to say that authors can't have faith, etc etc... but the Church of Latter-Day Saints is, in NO way, the proper environment to cultivate the truly twisted mindset needed to create really spectacular vampire legends. The writer of this series of repetitious, cutsy 'vampire' books has an OBVIOUS streak of narcissism, evidenced by the fact that she WRITES HERSELF INTO THE STORY WHOLESALE! Not a small part of her, not her entire being spread among several characters, not an 'author cameo'... she casts herself as the main female character, and proceeds to tell the entire 'story' (or psychopathic wet-dream) from the perspective of her print-self! And some say I need my head examined...

Next, the plotline... I have loads of material here, so you may want to take a moment and grab the beverage of your choice, change into slippers, and put your feet up, we're going to be here for a minute. First and foremost... VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!!!!! Seriously folks, this is utterly ridiculous. As far back as anyone can remember (written records date back to 1300 or so) vampires FRY in sunlight. No matter what mythos you subscribe to, whether it's vampires-as-Cain's-children, vampires-as-Vlad's-victims, or any other group of legends, vampires have been 'cast out of the light', doomed to roam the Earth forever in darkness. Even medical science (look up porphyria on Wiki) says that vampiric symptoms include an ALLERGY to sunlight. Quite aside from that, what's this CRAP about 'vegetarian' vampires? If taking the blood of humans turns your stomach, you're in the wrong genre. There's been probably a half-dozen ways that authors in the past have 'gotten around' the dark side of vampirism. Making blood-slaves, ghouls, drinking harvested blood (think blood-bank), the prohibition against kiling victims, all these are completely acceptable. So what happened in Twilight? God only knows. Then there's the interaction between the main characters. This kinda crap would make an SVU detective's CAREER. Edward is domineering, controlling, and stalker-like. His part in this tale of horse-dung reads more like Pedo-Bear's rap sheet than a loving, healthy relationship. I, as a single white male, would be put in irons if caught sneaking into my paramour's room at 2am to 'watch her sleep'. Not to mention the fact that he knows where she is, what she's doing, and who she's with 24/7/365, and is never more than a few heartbeats away. The 'heroine' is worse. Weak-willed, spineless, hopeless, and clumsy, this woman is a joke. Not surprising, since she is just the print-adaptation of the author herself. If Bella was a real person (aside from Stephanie Meyer, who's subculture regards mental instability as a sign of commitment to their cult), her psycho-therapy bills would be extensive. The character is a slap in the face to every FemLibber who ever lived. Jacob? Oh brother. The archetypal Pedo-Bear, this turkey is just a creep from beginning to end. Whiny, uncertain, spineless, this character takes all the worst parts of Spider-man, and wraps them up in a furry body >gag<. The whole love-triangle deal? Please, get real, the author's been watching too much Jerry Springer. Since I haven't read the books, I can't attest to this personally, but according to Robert Pattinson (the poor schlub who plays Edward-the-vegetarian-vampire), the books are just 2000+ pages of Stephanie Meyer's wet dreams. Call a spade a spade. This is tweeny-porn. And the middle-aged women who jump on the band-wagon? HAH! Pedo-Bear is watching you! There has GOT to be a healthier way for these people to vent their sexual frustration.

Then you have the 'behind-the-scenes' drama. As if 4 books weren't enough, there was SUPPOSED to be a 5th book, working title of Midnight Sun. Apparently there was a 'leak' to the Internet (more than likely a ploy by the disillusioned cast of the first mockery of Hollywood-manufacture) of the 'unfinished manuscript' of Midnight Sun, which so 'hurt' Mz Meyer that she refuses to complete the project. Can't say that I'm sad about that, since even putting out the material that she has is a slight against God and book-editing, but seriously? If every author did what Stephanie did, no book would ever be published... IT'S CALLED A TEASER STEPHANIE! GET OVER YOURSELF! Shit. The actors playing the main roles in the film adaptations of this pap also have some drama of their own. The male and female leads (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) got suckered into three-movie contracts, and have been quite vocal about wanting OUT of the franchise. Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black) has also expressed some disgust, with the fan-base if nothing else. Taylor's a little more used to it though, since his first movie was Shark Boy and Lava Girl (really Hollywood? He's not even old enough to DRINK!). Minor characters have been desperately trying to fill their schedules, to forestall having to work on another Twilight movie.

I COULD start on the fans... the rabid conflict within the cult (Team Edward vs Team Jacob), the insipid bolstering of Mz Meyer's ego (see "Ragemail" on www.theantitwilightmovement.webs.com), the excessive media coverage, or the mainstreaming of what used to be the the exclusive providence of the outcasts, the freaks and geeks... but it's too easy.